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I now have two babies in Heaven. I am not sure why God decided He needed the babies more then me, nor do I agree. But that is where they are. In heaven. Gone before we had a chance to hear their heartbeats. Before we got to see them as a little shape on an ultrasound. Gone before we got to hold them, hug them, kiss them, or give them a name.

They don’t have grave stones. They don’t have birth certificates. But they were as much alive as anyone. To me and my husband they are our children. November 2011 & February 2014 will forever be the dates that our babies went to Heaven.

I don’t ask “Why?” Because I wouldn’t accept any answer. Telling God that it isn’t fair doesn’t do any good either. Getting mad at every pregnant woman solves nothing. Time doesn’t help much. So how do you heal? How do you move on and try again? When is it okay to feel okay? For me, letting people know helps a lot. When I would sit in a room full of people that had no clue I felt so alone. I don’t tell them so they would feel bad for me or even pity me. I tell them so that they can be sensitive to how I am feeling. Life goes on and new babies are born, but when I start to get teary eyed they will know why. When I have to leave the room and conversation they don’t think I am rude. I tell them so I don’t have to answer the question about when we are going to have another one. I tell them because, maybe, just maybe they know how I am feeling. And maybe, they will know the right thing to say.

I don’t want to hear, “Everything happens for a reason.” Because on this Earth the reason will never be clear to me. One day when I get to heaven I will get to meet them and God will reveal why. But my earthly mind will not understand.

My Grandpa died a month before my baby boy was born. Grandpa didn’t get to meet him. Now, my grandpa is in heaven playing with the babies I didn’t get to meet.